So… I am stuck on something. I will be married 19 years in two weeks. However, marriage is suddenly rather confusing. During most of those years, things made sense to me. We were young, we got married, I went to graduate school, I studied, we had jobs, we made money, we spent money, we never saved much, we moved a lot, we bought houses, we decided to adopt kids, I stopped working full-time.
This is where it stops meaning anything. I mentioned yesterday that I got “in trouble” for not paying the bills in a very organized way. It is organized, it just isn’t done very often. I pay them late, in a very organized way. So, I had a hissy fit because, gasp, my own shortcomings and failures were being pointed out to me.
So, very maturely, while shopping for yet another Chanukkah present, I yelled defensively into the cell phone and promptly proceeded to trip up the steps and fall flat on my face. Fortunately, no one was looking and I was too embarrassed to tell Hun, so I just kept ranting and raving from my new position on the floor.
I shouldn’t have even been shopping in that store because it is completely and totally inaccessible. There is a giant staircase in the middle of the store and no elevator. I usually protest such places in my silent protesting ways… but as I was going on and on in my head about one injustice or another, the world around me stopped making sense.
Here was Hun, working from 6 am to 8 pm all day to make money and I am spending it. He works and earns money he never sees ( direct deposit, of course) that provides the funding for the things and people I take care of all day. He makes all the money, but doesn’t actually have anything at all to do with the spending of it since the spending of it happens while he is earning it. All of it to benefit the children that his working provided the money to acquire and now keep alive, whom he rarely sees and has virtually no decision making power about the day to day care and feeding of. What exactly is the point of all of it?
How is it that he makes money over which he has no control? I am not suggesting that he doesn’t participate in large decisions or parent the children marvelously, I am just trying to figure out what my role is. Why is it ok for me to spend all day deciding everything and him paying for it? Shouldn’t he hate that? He should actually be telling me what to do. I am merely his employee. He is paying me to do things for him. This arrangement is suddenly no different than if I were working for him as his assistant.
I am so confused.
Then again, it is possible that he is the employee and I am the boss? After all, he does the work and I get the money.
All I want to know is how this has anything at all to do with love or romance.
What do you think?