At this very second I am arguing with myself about everything.  I literally have those annoying  voices in my head and they are both pissed. My good fairy is disgusted with me because I am begging, literally begging to go back to sleep, eat junk all day and hide my face under the blanket.  My bad fairy is saying, “Hey, what wrong with a little rest,  you should just stop for one day, what’s the big f-in deal?”

This is what it is like in my head – no one in charge.  Its a virtual free for all and I need someone to  make the decisions because I clearly cannot be left alone with myself.  Here goes… I have been working out every single day for about 7 weeks, sometimes more than once a day, eating only good, clean, healthy food, doing the housework, finishing the laundry, even putting it away, paying the bills, doing all my work, cleaning the house, heck- I have even made dinner most nights.  I haven’t yelled at anyone, the kids are fine, I’ve seen some friends and I have even organized the filing cabinet.  I’m bored of being so damn good and I want to eat a grilled cheese sandwich and do nothing all day while Hun is hard at work and the kids are suffering at school.

Is that so terrible?  I have never, not once in all these years when I have been home, done nothing after the kids left for school.

I am seriously going to have a problem with being retired … My term just ended on the Council, and while I am still involved in things, my meeting requirements are significantly limited, my semester hasn’t started and it will be an easy one, my house is as close to decorated and finished as it is ever going to be, my mother went and died on me, my kids don’t really need anything… even Max…and I am totally superfluous.  I thought I would get more bang out of working out and watching myself get skinnier everyday, but the thrill of staring at myself in the mirror while wearing yoga pants and a sports bra is kind of wearing off and it turns out that it is not possible to lose 10 pounds every day no matter what you do.

So, what next?

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2 Responses to Next?

  1. Ruth Taylor says:

    I feel like I want to give you a hug and have a cup of coffee with you. Speaking from experience, don’ be so hard on yourself. You are a very accomplished woman and should feel so good about all you have achieved. Life will settle down once you’ve adapted to the transition. You are so articulate and Introspective I know you will find direction And I promise you that it will come in time.

    See you all soon I hope.

    Lots of love, Ruth

    Sent from my iPad

  2. What a wonderful moment for you…and with the personal strength not to just begin to “stuff stuff” and all kinds of manic doing into your life. I humbly suggest, and seriously, that you begin the day with meditation. After the kids leave. Just 10 or 15 minutes or so. It’s different from “working out”…which surely is a great connection with your own self through your body, but meditation goes deeper. That kind of focusing at the outset will transform all the rest of the time that follows.
    Just a thought. You asked. I couldn’t help myself but answer. 🙂

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